So, happy holidays. Can't say I'm feeling very cheery. The 'holiday spirit' seems to have skipped over me this year. I find that I resent everything at the moment. The urge to go postal about anything that goes wrong is so strong I can't believe it. I don't like to be nasty, but when I am pushed against the wall I find my bullshit'o'meter somehow undergoes a drastic spiral into a very low tolerance zone.

Dear Carmen,

I guess mainly I have figured out, again, who my actual friends are. That feels like such a horrible thing 

to say, but when someone tells you, "you'll feel better after we have fun tonight!" you realize that clearly they have no concept of a. compassion, b. stress, c. life, d. the fact that some things take time to get over, and e. life is not all about them and having fun. 

And I find that depressing. And yes, I am depressed and I think rather legitimately so. It's depressing to shop for gifts for friends who are now a close part of my life because of your actions. I don't resent this new bond and the fact that these friendships are now tighter than they were before, but I do resent the way it happened. I feel like I was manipulated and quite frankly and I don't appreciate it.

It hurts to think, "ah I'll just call ladylukeskywalker and Carmen..." and then trail off and try to switch thought trains at the station because YOU ARE STILL DEAD. It was a real laugh going through the, "but who will I go to ladylukeskywalker's birthday bash with?" Last year I got ready at your house and we were late, and I did the worst job shaving my legs ever 'cause I came to your house straight from work and borrowed this awful razor and you helped me put my blue wig on, and THERE ARE SO MANY DAMN STORIES AND MEMORIES coming out now that I have time to breath for a coupla' days. Who will go to Brewvies with me and not resent it when I say, "the last time I came here was with Carmen..." and what will I do for New Year's? Cause I can guarantee you that is going to be an all around depressing evening. I think we have spent more than one New Year's Eve together.

A friend said something about, "Oh, what will 2011 bring?" in a positive and optimistic and nice way I just wanted to snarl and say, "don't even talk to me about having to deal with another year." I just can't handle it. I can't handle going through the next year and thinking about all that shit that we did together and that we aren't going to do together anymore AND IT'S NOT EVEN MY FAULT.

And I feel bad "inconveniencing" some of the people around me, 'cause yes I am in mourning, and yes I don't get over things in 2.5 months, and yes I'm depressed, and no some half-assed, "oh let's have fun together" schmaltz is not going to make it better. If you were here, you would get that. That's why we were friends.

So dearie, I miss you and it sucks having to be depressed.

Just sayin',

chaz